もっとよくなりたい
february 24nd, 2026
it's been a year since i moved to tokyo. yes, it's been a year.
i've had a lot to sit on since the last time i wrote a blog post. things waver up and down and now life feels empty sometimes in a way that is completely different to how it felt previously. it's very strange. i've been contemplating the direction i want my life to go a lot recently. i feel kind of stuck, and i often yearn for something more to life. am i focusing on my career? do i want spend more time on my arts and practice? do i want to marry? do i want kids? what would constitute happiness for me? does living in japan impede my progress to all of this?
things have definitely gotten better. i have more friends and close relationships. i'm starting to get out of the house more. i feel my dreams and ambitions more closely than ever. but the static noise in my brain never turns off. i constantly feel anxious. i never feel free anymore. i want to be happier, desperately. but nowadays i can never find a balance between my social, personal and professional life. i'm always plugging more energy into one or the other.
it's the sudden realisation that everything i worked so hard for in life has been reset in an instance. 28 is a hard age to flip your life over. i'm trying my best, but ultimately i've gotten back into some really difficult mental health habits that i'm struggling to break.
it's getting there, but i feel bored. i feel numb most of the time.
Mood: 眠い
Listening to: "邂逅", yellow magic orchestra
Reading: nothing
Watching: the news
Playing: nothing
Eating: gum
Drinking: coffee
恋の予感
february 22nd, 2025
it has been a month since i moved to tokyo. yes, i moved to tokyo.
i don't really believe that i know what i was thinking. there was no honeymoon period here. i have been yet to enjoy myself for awhile now. god knows i've tried. i knew it would be challenging, but the experience has well and truly knocked me off of my feet. i miss home everyday. i miss the people i love and the lifestyle i was so inclined for. i fall asleep on trains every single day. i only have a handful of my worldly belongings. my lifestyle has become pedantic and wavering.
one day i'll fall in love with this place. i don't think it will be anytime soon, but one day i will fall in love.
Mood: 悲しい
Listening to: "sculptures of anything goes", arctic monkeys
Reading: genki
Watching: youtube
Playing: nothing anymore
Eating: a delicious but probably butchered homecooked vegetarian japanese meal
Drinking: terrible japanese red wine
welcome to my island
june 1st, 2024
welcome to my island. we're somewhere off in the pacific, and we won't be coming home anytime soon.
Mood: -
Listening to: -
Reading: -
Watching: -
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Eating: -
Drinking: -
