暑いね

march 30th, 2026

i really need to get better at japanese.

life sometimes takes really strange and unexpected turns. living here has had more than it's fair share of ups and downs, but recently i've been feeling a lot more optimistic, due to some personal affairs that seem to be going in my favour. this has started to beg the question of whether or not this will end up being my forever home. i love scotland dearly. nowhere will ever make me feel as vibrant or accepted as home, but i would be willing to stick around for something more. i suppose i'm in a strange place in life where i do, in fact, have to begin thinking about my own future, and the way i want my life to blossom. and maybe there's an opportunity right now for my forever. i've always struggled with committment, but i think the time is now.

it's starting to get hot in japan again, i wasn't expecting it this early on in the year. i don't remember when it started getting warmer last year. but i've been used to hiding behind oversized trousers and jumpers for the past five months or so, so my insecurities are feeling very insecure about wearing less. i don't recall when i began getting so intense about these feelings. i wish they would go away.

recently, i've been trying to complete a sewing project i begun at the back of last year. i'm always quite bad at starting things and not finishing them, so i'd like to keep working on it. i finally bit the bullet and started sewing the main component. it didn't turn out as shapely as i wanted, but i think i can work into it a bit. i'm also starting to get the hang of hand-sewing things - i recently repaired the pocket of a pair of jeans for a friend. i'm not sure how my work will hold up, but i'd like to think it's not too bad.

i'll begin posting photos on this blog when i remember to.

もっとよくなりたい

february 24nd, 2026

it's been a year since i moved to tokyo. yes, it's been a year.

i've had a lot to sit on since the last time i wrote a blog post. things waver up and down and now life feels empty sometimes in a way that is completely different to how it felt previously. it's very strange. i've been contemplating the direction i want my life to go a lot recently. i feel kind of stuck, and i often yearn for something more to life. am i focusing on my career? do i want spend more time on my arts and practice? do i want to marry? do i want kids? what would constitute happiness for me? does living in japan impede my progress to all of this?

things have definitely gotten better. i have more friends and close relationships. i'm starting to get out of the house more. i feel my dreams and ambitions more closely than ever. but the static noise in my brain never turns off. i constantly feel anxious. i never feel free anymore. i want to be happier, desperately. but nowadays i can never find a balance between my social, personal and professional life. i'm always plugging more energy into one or the other.

it's the sudden realisation that everything i worked so hard for in life has been reset in an instance. 28 is a hard age to flip your life over. i'm trying my best, but ultimately i've gotten back into some really difficult mental health habits that i'm struggling to break.

it's getting there, but i feel bored. i feel numb most of the time.

恋の予感

february 22nd, 2025

it has been a month since i moved to tokyo. yes, i moved to tokyo.

i don't really believe that i know what i was thinking. there was no honeymoon period here. i have been yet to enjoy myself for awhile now. god knows i've tried. i knew it would be challenging, but the experience has well and truly knocked me off of my feet. i miss home everyday. i miss the people i love and the lifestyle i was so inclined for. i fall asleep on trains every single day. i only have a handful of my worldly belongings. my lifestyle has become pedantic and wavering.

one day i'll fall in love with this place. i don't think it will be anytime soon, but one day i will fall in love.

welcome to my island

june 1st, 2024

welcome to my island. we're somewhere off in the pacific, and we won't be coming home anytime soon.